Jericho is at home. He's sitting on $100 blue IKEA couch, drinking from 29 cent oddly shaped IKEA glasses, while using an IKEA catalog as a tablecloth on his $10 IKEA dinner cart. Jericho sighs as his phone rings, reminding him that his weekend is a facade. He picks it up.
"Helpdesk this is Jerry speaking, how may I help you?"
"Haaaallo, this is Changweng weng. I have phone which makes it bad time. It make me feel like I no work, but I know the phone no work, not me. (he laughs)."
"Ok Mr. Weng how..."
"Call me Changweng, you are not dog or child"
Jericho pauses.
"Ok Changweng, is there any reason why your phone is not working? Did you damage the phone in any way?"
Flashback to Changweng putting out a cigarette on his Blackberry while his ashtray is in his iPod Cradle
Flashback to Changweng showering with his Blackberry, using it as bar of soap and laughing when he figures out his mistake
Flashback to Changweng's wife, ZangZeng taking the battery of the Blackberry and using the empty side to pick up dog poop off their lawn
Flashback to Changweng throwing the Blackberry at his blindfolded kids running around the room. He hits one of his children who falls to the ground and yells "You are the black-ass-berry now!" The kids laugh hysterically.
"Uh...no way, Jose" Changweng laughs thinking he made a pun on Jericho's name.
"Changweng, can you please open the back of the Blackberry and take out the battery?"
Changweng grows impatient.
"Listen Jose, I don't do the job, you do the job. You get the money to take out, I take out and get nothing but wonderful family." Changweng laughs again thinking he made another joke.
"Changweng, there's no way I can help you unless you do some troubleshooting on your end. Since it's the weekend, I am..."
"Hold on cowboy"
Changweng picks up his ringing Blackberry, which is playing Shania Twain's song "That don't impress me much" and speaks in Cantonese. He hangs up the Blackberry and pauses for a moment. Jericho hears Changweng mutter softly to himself Cantonese which could be translated to "Son of a b****" in English. Then he hears the phone rustle for another 30 seconds and turns into a dial tone.
Jericho slumps sideways on his couch, watching re-runs of America's Americans on mute and slowly falls asleep.
Dream sequence:
Jericho is in the back of the line to audition for America's Americans. He's wearing a ridiculous outfit with ripped jeans, bicycle gloves and a piano belt. He is standing outside in a blacktop parking lot of a huge football stadium. It's a hot day as he notices sweat mushing up his oversized, bleached bangs. He taps on the shoulder of a young teen blonde in front of him.
"Do you know how long this line is going to take?"
The blonde girl turns around and lets out a Mariah Carie-ish high note screech and then turns back around.
Jericho stares at the back of her head, as if he had seen a ghost.
The thousand of contestants are herded into the stadium, as Jericho is smooshed in between the stampeding herd. He sits on one of the orange bleacher chairs as they announce which section will be auditioning first.
"We are going to be starting backwards today, section 100 will go first, then 99 and so on"
Jericho looks down at his ticket, which says section 1.
14 hours pass as the day slumps into night. Finally Jericho is on the field, in line for one of the judging booths. People are exiting to the right if they are chosen by the judge and the left if they are rejected. An obese man in a sombrero with a shirt that reads "I ate the last America's American" walks to the right with his hands in the air.
Jericho finally gets up to the judging booth. The booth has two judges, one overweight gray bearded Harvey Feinstein lookalike and a scowling older Indian woman. Jericho stands up to the panel and let's out the start of his song,
"You're just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off of you".
The Harvey Feinstein man stops him with his eyes wide open.
"Stop! You are exactly what we need!"
Jericho is ecstatic, all of his hopes and dreams of becoming a rockstar are coming true. First America's Americans, then MTV, then Radio City Music Hall, then world tours with Coldplay.
"You really think so?"
"No no, I mean you!" He points at the girl standing behind him who is completely naked, covered in body paint of President Obama.
Jericho screams and runs down the field in embarrassment. He falls over one of the contestants on the way. He looks down and it's Ariel from Marketing.
"It's you, I mean, you are you, I mean. Ariel what are you doing here?"
Ariel doesn't say a word, but instead unbuckles his piano belt and wraps it around his waist pulling him closer to her. She starts licking face, as Jericho looks at her puzzled. He shrugs and starts licking her back.
End of Dream Sequence
Jericho wakes up with his dog "Deeogee or D-O-G" licking his face. He spits onto the ground and flings the dog across the couch.
America's Americans blares in the background as the 3 judges give their verdicts to a skinny blonde girl.
"I don't know man, seriously bro, not sure guy"
(The woman judges stares at her huge soda glass) "I think, I think,” "Who thinks?" "I think” Then she passes out over the table.
"I want to stick you like a frog, cause you sounded like a toad up there. I don't want to be mean, but you could have been replaced by a filing cabinet and I would have enjoyed it more"
The contestant talks back, "Well you're just a bitter old man who doesn't know anything about style. I'm getting married next week. My hubbo thinks I sing good"
"Oh shoot a hole in a window and jump out of it. Why don't you go get ready for your wedding, Big Lots is having a 50 cent sale on wooden sandals and cat litter."
“I mean look, you sung so softly, I was waiting for Clay Aiken to come out with a tiara singing lead.”
Jericho stands up to go to the fridge and his phone rings
"Haaaallo, this is Changweng weng. My TV box is not making cable, now it's just making snow. Maybe you can shovel my box?" He laughs.
Jericho looks at his dog who is licking its lips and sighs.
CUE CREDITS
Unfortunately this story isn't far from experience as I tried out for American Idol in 2007 at Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego. It was 80 degrees and I did wait 14 hours to audition.
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1 comment:
You are absofreakinglutely hilarious!
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