Friday, April 19, 2013

Check out my new Blog Site!!

Lowc's Low-down has moved to Twitter: @stephenlowc New and old stories galore! Case of the Ruins How we ate 10,000 in food for free from McDonald's Don't watch the tapes, you don't know the girl anyway Three Mattresses in 1 year and other FML Misadventures!!

Saturday, March 21, 2009

U-TUBE - Promo for LMS

Hey everyone,
Just posted a new acoustic version of our song "Think I'm going home".
I dedicate this song to our LMSalesfans who've supported us over the years.
We really couldn't have kept going without you guys.
Click the photo below to go to our youtube page:

I've also updated the website so now it takes 10 seconds to load (versus 30 minutes before).


Be sure to check out our new American Apparel Fancy "Sale" Shirts on our Merch page.
Only $13 during our recession special extravaganza (and free shipping!).

Click the photo below to direct to our site:

Hope to see you at the show on Tuesday!
March 24th Resize


Wednesday, February 25, 2009

IT Happens Episode 2: America's Americans

Episode 2 (Start opening music) IT HAPPENS

Jericho is at home. He's sitting on $100 blue IKEA couch, drinking from 29 cent oddly shaped IKEA glasses, while using an IKEA catalog as a tablecloth on his $10 IKEA dinner cart. Jericho sighs as his phone rings, reminding him that his weekend is a facade. He picks it up.

"Helpdesk this is Jerry speaking, how may I help you?"

"Haaaallo, this is Changweng weng. I have phone which makes it bad time. It make me feel like I no work, but I know the phone no work, not me. (he laughs)."

"Ok Mr. Weng how..."

"Call me Changweng, you are not dog or child"

Jericho pauses.

"Ok Changweng, is there any reason why your phone is not working? Did you damage the phone in any way?"

Flashback to Changweng putting out a cigarette on his Blackberry while his ashtray is in his iPod Cradle

Flashback to Changweng showering with his Blackberry, using it as bar of soap and laughing when he figures out his mistake

Flashback to Changweng's wife, ZangZeng taking the battery of the Blackberry and using the empty side to pick up dog poop off their lawn

Flashback to Changweng throwing the Blackberry at his blindfolded kids running around the room. He hits one of his children who falls to the ground and yells "You are the black-ass-berry now!" The kids laugh hysterically.

" way, Jose" Changweng laughs thinking he made a pun on Jericho's name.

"Changweng, can you please open the back of the Blackberry and take out the battery?"

Changweng grows impatient.

"Listen Jose, I don't do the job, you do the job. You get the money to take out, I take out and get nothing but wonderful family." Changweng laughs again thinking he made another joke.

"Changweng, there's no way I can help you unless you do some troubleshooting on your end. Since it's the weekend, I am..."

"Hold on cowboy"

Changweng picks up his ringing Blackberry, which is playing Shania Twain's song "That don't impress me much" and speaks in Cantonese. He hangs up the Blackberry and pauses for a moment. Jericho hears Changweng mutter softly to himself Cantonese which could be translated to "Son of a b****" in English. Then he hears the phone rustle for another 30 seconds and turns into a dial tone.

Jericho slumps sideways on his couch, watching re-runs of America's Americans on mute and slowly falls asleep.

Dream sequence:

Jericho is in the back of the line to audition for America's Americans. He's wearing a ridiculous outfit with ripped jeans, bicycle gloves and a piano belt. He is standing outside in a blacktop parking lot of a huge football stadium. It's a hot day as he notices sweat mushing up his oversized, bleached bangs. He taps on the shoulder of a young teen blonde in front of him.

"Do you know how long this line is going to take?"

The blonde girl turns around and lets out a Mariah Carie-ish high note screech and then turns back around.

Jericho stares at the back of her head, as if he had seen a ghost.

The thousand of contestants are herded into the stadium, as Jericho is smooshed in between the stampeding herd. He sits on one of the orange bleacher chairs as they announce which section will be auditioning first.

"We are going to be starting backwards today, section 100 will go first, then 99 and so on"

Jericho looks down at his ticket, which says section 1.

14 hours pass as the day slumps into night. Finally Jericho is on the field, in line for one of the judging booths. People are exiting to the right if they are chosen by the judge and the left if they are rejected. An obese man in a sombrero with a shirt that reads "I ate the last America's American" walks to the right with his hands in the air.

Jericho finally gets up to the judging booth. The booth has two judges, one overweight gray bearded Harvey Feinstein lookalike and a scowling older Indian woman. Jericho stands up to the panel and let's out the start of his song,

"You're just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off of you".

The Harvey Feinstein man stops him with his eyes wide open.

"Stop! You are exactly what we need!"

Jericho is ecstatic, all of his hopes and dreams of becoming a rockstar are coming true. First America's Americans, then MTV, then Radio City Music Hall, then world tours with Coldplay.

"You really think so?"

"No no, I mean you!" He points at the girl standing behind him who is completely naked, covered in body paint of President Obama.

Jericho screams and runs down the field in embarrassment. He falls over one of the contestants on the way. He looks down and it's Ariel from Marketing.

"It's you, I mean, you are you, I mean. Ariel what are you doing here?"

Ariel doesn't say a word, but instead unbuckles his piano belt and wraps it around his waist pulling him closer to her. She starts licking face, as Jericho looks at her puzzled. He shrugs and starts licking her back.

End of Dream Sequence

Jericho wakes up with his dog "Deeogee or D-O-G" licking his face. He spits onto the ground and flings the dog across the couch.

America's Americans blares in the background as the 3 judges give their verdicts to a skinny blonde girl.

"I don't know man, seriously bro, not sure guy"

(The woman judges stares at her huge soda glass) "I think, I think,” "Who thinks?" "I think” Then she passes out over the table.

"I want to stick you like a frog, cause you sounded like a toad up there. I don't want to be mean, but you could have been replaced by a filing cabinet and I would have enjoyed it more"

The contestant talks back, "Well you're just a bitter old man who doesn't know anything about style. I'm getting married next week. My hubbo thinks I sing good"

"Oh shoot a hole in a window and jump out of it. Why don't you go get ready for your wedding, Big Lots is having a 50 cent sale on wooden sandals and cat litter."
“I mean look, you sung so softly, I was waiting for Clay Aiken to come out with a tiara singing lead.”

Jericho stands up to go to the fridge and his phone rings

"Haaaallo, this is Changweng weng. My TV box is not making cable, now it's just making snow. Maybe you can shovel my box?" He laughs.

Jericho looks at his dog who is licking its lips and sighs.


Unfortunately this story isn't far from experience as I tried out for American Idol in 2007 at Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego. It was 80 degrees and I did wait 14 hours to audition.


Monday, February 23, 2009

Case of the Ruins

I first titled this post as "Why I will never return to Peru" but I think the title I chose is better suited. As many of you know, I took a trip to Peru with my long time buddies Marshal and David. Marshal had gone on a 6 month hiatus to South America and we decided to join him in Peru. Let me start the story off properly:

Special undies
While preparing for this trip, I decided to go to REI and buy some camping equipment (the last time I went camping it was in a 6 bedroom cabin with a pool table and hot tub). I bought myself a fleece, backpack, and came upon a special item. A $25 pair of special underwear that you can wear for 4-5 days stating that they are durable and don't absorb odor/moisture. Some of you may know where this is going. Happiness Level: A+

Cocoa Tea
We arrive in Peru. After seeing Maroon 5 in a layover in Panama, I knew (thought) this was going to be a special trip. Upon arrival I already notice the slight elevation sickness that everyone talks about, and continue to drink the forbidden Cocoa Tea (made from pre-Cocaine leaves), which is supposed to dull the pain. Instead of the euphoric, drug-leaf-ridden tizzy I was hoping it would put me in, it made my stomach do jumping jacks while my upper intestine fell asleep with the door shut. Happiness Level: A-

Soup and nasty meat
As our travels in Peru continued, we ate at various local Peruvian diners. Trying dishes that I'm familiar with from my favorite Peruvian diner in LA, expecting a "homemade" experience. After eating 5 local meals I came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter what you order in Peru. You're guaranteed two things: Soup and nasty meat. Let's see, I'll order the Lomo Saltado, steak with french fries. Yum-o right?! Yum-oh-@#$*-no was more like it. A big bowl of bacteria friendly luke warm chicken soup, with various hard bits at the bottom to break your molars. Then a freeze-dried piece of steak, which was somewhere in between the process of making steak into jerky. That way you can't enjoy it at either end. Not to mention the side of carrots and peas that made me want to run to the nearest Kaiser Permanente cafeteria on a Tuesday. Happiness Level: B+

The Trail
Our journey continues as we go into town looking for a tour group to hike the famous Macchu Picchu trail. We discover an amazing 4-day tour called the Inca Jungle trail. This included a day of hiking, a few days of mountain biking, sleeping in a covered hostel each night and an air-conditioned bus ride to the top of Macchu Picchu. We do not take this trail. Instead we take the Salcantay trail, which is the hardest possible trail to take to Macchu Picchu. This includes an all inclusive path to Hell: 5 days of hiking by foot, sleeping in thin tents in 20 degree weather, and a 4am wakeup call to scale the cliffs of Macchu Picchu to the top. But hey, we're all soft San Diegans who complain when it's 65 at night, this should be easy.
The first day is amazing. Fresh air, a cool breeze with the sun beaming down. I'm so excited for the trek that I don't even mind the soup and nasty meat the tour chef slops out. We arrive at the campsite, taking photos of the Andes in the distance. This is what life is all about, sharing great experiences with friends in remote places. Then it starts to hail.
Happiness Level: B

The Flood
The tour group is excited to have made it to the first destination, laughing and monkeying around the campsite. The night sneaks up on us as the porters set up our tents. We all barrel into a nearby shack as the cook serves us up our final meal of the night. S and NM per usual. Then it starts to pour rain. And by "pour" I mean it. The three of us run to our tent and zip up the flap as soon as we can get our muddy boots inside. We setup our backpacks and try to sleep on the rocky ground. Soon the storm turns into a bloody monsoon and water floods down the mountain under our tents. (Yes the tents were setup at the bottom of a hill). The water soon turns to ice and freezes at the bottom of our tents. Sorta like sleeping on a waterbed in a freezer. THEN on top of it all, the water starts to seep INTO the tent, creating what I like to call a Cluster-Freeze. At this point our sleeping bags are ruined, sopping with Peruvian rain water. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Happiness Level: F

The Huddle
We unzip the tent and run to the shack where we had eaten dinner. We scour for blankets or a place to sleep. At this point we realized that the shack (with no doors) was colder then the tent. We grab 3 of the small stools that we had used for dinner and rush them back to the tent. Into our shivering madness we knew we had to do something. It was time for "the Huddle". We position the chairs into a triad and sat facing each other and went into an awkward huddle. David smartly suggested that we put the one non-soaked sleeping bag over our heads, which we did. Unfortunately all 3 of us are equipped with blazing-ly fast digestive systems, and when I say blazing, I mean it. So here we are, recreating a scene from Mel Brook's Blazing Saddles where they eat beans around a campfire. Each horn that blew caused for a retreat outside of the blanket, which caused us to come up with a new game plan. At this point we're tired, wet, and delirious so I don't exactly remember who came up with the next set of strategies. We decided to mix it up, three in a row side-by-side, triangle position back-to-back-to-back, sleeping bag over top, sleeping bag over the legs. Nothing was working. Desperate times call for desperate measures. We ended up 3 in a row as if we were riding a 3-man-motorcycle. 3 full grown men sitting on small child size stools like the 3 stooges in a canoe. It couldn’t get any worse. Happiness Level: F-

The Hamster
No one ends up sleeping that night as we brave the storm in our soaked tent. We finally come upon good luck in the morning as 2 French women are taking a 2-hour taxi ride from town to the campsite. We take the taxi back and enjoy a 2-hour ride on a road with no pavement and plenty of slippery rocks. That night we decide to hit the town's nightlife and enjoy our freedom from the horrible trials of hiking in nature. We heard that it's common for the locals to eat "Cuy" or as we call it "Guinea Pig", "Hamster" or "Herbie". We found a wandering chef who took us to his favorite local restaurant that served the pet delicacy. After our bowl of soup, the Cuy was served. Rice, potato and a big brown ball of hot hamster served on a plate. I ate my hamster in silence as our chef tour guide stared at us eating. Thankfully the little guy didn't have much meat, just tons of little bones that I could hide under the pile of rice. Sorry Herbie, you don't taste that good. Happiness Level: D+

The day arrives, after a night of eating late night pizza with questionable cheese and dipping hardly fried fries into spicy yet tasteless green sauce. We wake up early and decide to walk up the mountain trail to Macchu Picchu, hopefully regaining some of our dignity and questioned manhood. The view is amazing, beautiful ruins made of rock and green grass. My stomach starts to rumble, leading to a verp of chocolate energy gel, acid and Hamster sauce. I stay positive and take it as a sign of my digestive system doing it's magic. We decide to climb the highest mountain in Macchu Picchu called Wannapicchu. It's about a 45 minute climb but at a 45 degree angle up the side. As we climb up, I start to notice how tired my legs are and start breaking out into an undeserved sweat. We reach the top of the mountain and I look down at my stomach. It gives me the middle finger as it gurgles the stew brewing below. Then it hits me. It was time to "go". I tell the guys that I need to go back and rush down the hill. I glide down the mountain, clenching my backside harder and tighter on each bumpy step. There is a pack of German tourists blocking my path, who decide to do a half-walk, half-stand-in-your-f#$%*-way while shooting off-center pictures of plants. I duck through their unwashed bodies and make my way to the start of the path. My stomach taps me on the shoulder and says, "If you're not going to poop..." as I proceed to puke up water onto a patch of ancient rocks. There is a lady at the front of the bathroom, collecting 1 Sol ($0.30) to go into the bathroom. I nearly punch her in the face as my wallet is in the storage bin. Thankfully I found a Sol in my pocket and proceed to take the best seat in the house. I say my final goodbyes to Herbie. Happiness Level: B to F to A+

Case of the ruins
I stay sick for the next 3 days, bed-ridden for one, popping antibiotics like popcorn and praying to survive our final days in Peru. We need to train back to Lima to spend the last days of our trip. The train is leaving in 10 minutes so we run to the station. As we arrive to the gate, I decide to let out one of my sickened farts outside of the train. Then as I let the bugle sound, the world stops and I feel my shorts fill up, as if I had made a smoothie from my ass. "Never trust a fart" my wise friend had once told me. I trusted, and now I have sharted. I run to the bathroom, lock the stall and pull my pants down to exam the damage. I had been spared. From all of my crappy life-threatening experiences during the trip, I finally came up on top (pun intended). My special durable REI underwear had saved me, acting as a nest, holding in all of my "eggs". I threw the $25 diaper into the small trash bin in the stall and thanked the Gods of REI for sparing me as I had gotten a case of the ruins. Happiness Level: D- to A+

There are many other stories in this trip, such as when we stayed at a $9/night hostel in which the ceiling leaked anytime you flushed the toilet and when we took a bus back to town during a rainstorm and possibly hit a person or burro. But to be honest, I wouldn't trade this experience for anything in the world. Ok maybe a few things...

My band!

Make us your myspace friend:  


Thursday, February 19, 2009

Sorry and THE WORST (Academy Award season)

Sorry for the delay everyone. It seems that I really am unemployed now (and my former company has nearly hit rock bottom due to the LCE effect). Despite what you think, I actually have less time to do things now like IM friends all day, surf the web aimlessly and write blogs. It's just not the same once you're not getting paid to do it. Now I'm able to do the "normal" things that I never had the time for such as: doing laundry, washing dishes, cooking food, exercising, reading paragraphs, talking to people on the phone, talking to people in person, etc. I'm still working on the next episode of IT Happens (Jericho tries out for AI) so look for that soon. To help fill in the cracks of my prolonged nap here's a fun topical...topic for yah:

Hey ya'll it's Academy Award season! I've seen some great movies like Revolutionary Road, Slumdog Millionaire, Doubt, The Wrestler, Gran Torino (the best one) and Frost/Nixon. I think I saw Milk and Benjamin Button but it's hard when you're asleep halfway through it. In the spirit of the AA and the Razzies I'd like to list my pick of the worst movies ever made:

The Majestic (Jim Carrey snoozer, how did the Shawshank guy make this movie?)
Lady in the Water (15 minutes I walked out)
The Happening (M Nightshamalamdingdong should end his career now)
The Night Listener (Robin Williams should know better, One hour photo worked)
Godzilla (even Ferris Bueller couldn't save this one)
Batman and Robin (The Governator and rollerskates, who knew that wouldn't work?)
Domino (was this an music video or a movie? Pretty sure it was neither)
A Thin Red Line (a thin red bore)
Dan in Real Life (Dane Cook needs to stick to stage comedy)
Polar Express (Weird n creepy, something Michael Jackson would have written)
I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry (Just watch the first 10 minutes, that'll be enough)

What's your worst movie picks?

Friday, November 14, 2008

Hiro and Hank - Why Japanese are skinny and Americans are not

For those who don't know me, I am half-Japanese and half-not (white). Due to my mixed (mutt) background I have been exposed to both Japanese and American cultures. From years of "research" I have concluded that Japanese people are skinnier than American people. I know it's a far-fetched conclusion to make, but I feel it's my duty as a cross-cultural ambassador to educate the world on my findings. I've decided to start a series called "Hiro and Hank" exploring the reasons why Japanese people are skinnier then Americans. Thanks go out to Archie for illustrating the H&H series.

Click to view larger picture:

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

IT Happens

I have been working in IT for a long long time (maybe too long). My friend calls the IT department the "Land of the Lost Toys" and IT being "a career made for social misfits". His words, not mine (though I will not disagree). I think of it more of a playground for slackers who love surfing the web and taking extra monitors home. Back to the point.

From my travels in the IT job arena, I have come upon some of the most fascinating characters and decided it was not enough to just enjoy these bizarre fellows in my head. I have started to write a script/story about these people hoping to turn it into some sort of web tv show (like my fav in the future. If there are any TV execs interested in this premise, I will sell out faster then you can write a check. Here's the pilot, hope you enjoy it!

IT Happens - Pilot - Episode 1

Jericho sits in front of the computer, wearing a bluetooth headset and staring at two wide flat screen monitors. Outlook dings after each message as he watches his folders grow with new emails. His eyelids slowly grow heavy as the office noise turns into silence. He looks at his cubicle wall with his “IT Tech of the month” awards with a cheesy cartoon turtle giving thumbs up. Then he pans over to a picture of himself and his girlfriend at a company picnic holding a sock monkey she had won. Then he looks over to the printer on his desk where the sock monkey is sitting with its legs over its head. The office noise starts to creep back as he hears a buzzing noise in the distance.

He stands up.

He passes by cubicle number 2, Duck’s cube. Duck’s real name is David but decided to legally have his name changed to "Duck" since “all of my bro’s call me that” as he explains. He didn’t even look like a duck, more like an inbred Tasmanian devil. Duck sits slouched as far as a cheap office chair allows. He sits with a wrist guard on each hand, video game controller on the left and a very complicated mouse with multiple buttons on the right. He is playing an online zombie shooting video game and his character is a girl in a bikini shooting a bazooka. As Jericho walks by, Duck stomps on the ground and an Excel sheet pops up.

“Pretty rad, huh? Everytime you step on it, an Excel sheet pops up”

Jericho continues to walk without acknowledgment, tripping over a plastic Star Wars light saber which makes the woosh sound as he kicks it aside.

"Don't f--k with the force" Duck says under his breath.

The noise still buzzes in the background, slowly growing louder.

He passes cubicle number 3, Jule’s cube. Jule is on the phone with a customer. She has a distinct southern drawl that's cloaked by her gum smacking.

“Listen sweetheart, computers aren’t magic. If you deleted a file, it’s done deleted. Maybe next time you’ll think with your head instead of your ass. Hold please. “

Jule looks up at Jericho.

“What’s up righty?”

He glances at Jule’s “I (heart) Lefties” banner on her wall.

“Do you hear that sound?”.

Jule waves her finger in the air and clicks her headset.

“What’s up friend?!” She exclaims in a child like manner.

“No you didn’t! You’re such a tramp. I’d totally let the tires out of his trunk, if you know what I mean!”

Jule cackles while toggling through multiple webpages. Facebook, Myspace, and Friendster appear to be the obvious suspects.

Jericho looks at a framed photo of Jule’s husband, in an orange vest, holding a decapitated deer head with strung out eyes and the grin of a psychopath.

Jule clicks her headset again.

“I told you it’s not Ju-well, it’s Jule, like Orange Julius, minus us” she guffaws in a ridiculous tone.

Jericho pushes off of Jule’s cube like an Olympic swimmer.

He approaches cubicle 4, Darren’s cube. Darren is as Anglo as a bag of Doritos but continues to think he has a place in the Asian community. Darren opens the tightly squeezed mini fridge under his desk only to have food spill out, including 2 huge bottles of green tea, an unwrapped package of tofu, edamame that sprawls out all over the floor and a bottle of Teriyaki sauce that says "Speedy Panda Tangy Teriyaki” on the side. Darren is wearing a shirt that says "Yellow is the new black"

“Darren. Do you…”

“Excuse me? “ Darren scowls at Jericho in a goofy matter.

“Sorry…Mah-Feen, do you hear that noise?”

Darren wants to be called "Mah-feen" because he thinks it’s an ancient samurai name, but in reality it just means “muffin” in Japanese. The Japanese accounting team had fun with him on that one.

“You mean the sound of nourishment?” spews Darren as his personal microwave dings. He brings out a huge bowl of noodles that says “Sam Woo’s Cheese Ramen” on the side.

“This is why the Korean’s don’t get cancer” he says as he plunges chopsticks with a rubber band tied at the ends into the bowl.

Jericho walks away with an extra layer to his glaze.

The next cubicle is inhabited by Rico, a 50 year old Guatemalan with five kids, a wife and sadly ironic "Rico Suave" tendencies. Rico is not in his cube. Jericho looks at his cubicle wall and notices rows of pictures, each marked into categories: Sales, Marketing, Accounting, and Human Resources, each with 5-6 pictures of different women in the office. Some pictures appear to have been taken from the employee photo page on the internal website. Jericho sees a framed picture of Rico and his wife waving from a pool with a poorly cut magazine picture of Eva Longaria replacing her head. There is an opened box of powdered milk next to a half empty bowl of purple cheerios. Jericho glances at a chat window that reads "It was like the Accused but only if she had liked it". Jericho moves on. The horns of Mexican radio music was not the high pitch squeal he was looking for.

Jericho passes by the office of the boss, Shane, who is on his headset talking about some sort of sport. He's shooting baskets at two Nerf hoops simultaneously at each end of the office. The walls are covered with framed baby pictures, with some overflowing to the bottom of the desk. He has a baseball cap on a mantle that says "FUCLA" due to a dreadful year of admissions for white males to UCLA. This was the reason he felt for not getting in, though it was really due to his panel interview being filled with apathetic responses of "Cool, cool" and yawning during empty silences. Shane finally threw both Nerf balls in both baskets simultaneously and stood up with both hands in the air. He looks at Jericho who is staring at him and then proceeds to yawn. "What's up Jericho?"

"Just wondering if you know what that sound is?"

"Ahhhhhhhhhh, nope. Anything else?"

"No, that's it"

"Cool, cool (yawn)"

Jericho passes by the plump plant watering lady who has a jet pack of water and a long metal rod sprayer. He didn't even know the plants were real.

On the other side of the room he sees Ariel at the copier, she's a cute, petite asian girl from Marketing who he has had a crush on for over 2 years. She looks up and smiles at him. As he smiles back he drops his PDA phone to the ground as his battery and case explode like watermelon seeds.

As he stands up Jon who works in Facilities is serenading him with the Seal song "Kiss by a rose" He pushes him back:

"Hey man, don't push me, you're the one falling (and winks)"

As he stares at Ariel walking away, Jericho responds, "Do you know what that noise is Jon?"

"What noise? You mean the sound of Rico breathing heavy?"

Points to Rico, who has his arm leaning over a very uncomfortable Marketing intern pinned in a corner. Rico grabs her arm and tries to spin her around as if they were salsa dancing and the intern immediately stomps off.

Jericho scours the office looking for the noise, looking up and down the halls of the cube farms. Then as the sound grows louder and louder he discovers the noise. A co-worker passed out on his keyboard as a trail of Z's scroll across an Excel document.

Big font letters - IT HAPPENS (cue music now, I'm thinking of a shameless plug of my band Lonely Mattress Salesman with the song "You are no better"

We are all heroes in our day to day lives. Some people fight fires, some volunteer at a local retirement home, some run for mayor of their city. Unfortunately our hero does none of the above. Instead we have Jericho James. An average Joe who has the most mind-numbingly monotonous job of being a IT Computer Tech at a not so high-tech company. Jericho barrels through his life of monotony only to dream of becoming a rock star. In the meantime Jericho lives a life with the slogan “IT Happens”.

Friday, November 7, 2008

You are an animal

OK, so I hate psychology majors. I had a girlfriend (ex) who would get mad at me for crossing my arms because I was hiding my "feelings". So the next time we argued I held my arms up in the air like a baboon. She didn't see the humor in it and now I'm stuck with a $400 cell phone bill. Long story short, don't date anyone with relatives in Indonesia.

OK, back to psychology. The other day my friend Archie told me of an interesting psychological assessment that is taught in Sales training. I like to call it the "You are an animal' method or YAAA! The gist is that you can categorize customers into 4 different "animal" categories and then sell to their weaknesses. Bring on the freaks!

Whale: You love the environment, trees, hugging, the color green, pickets, signs, bugs (roaches esp.), reggae music
Dolphin: You love fun, drinking, excess, instant gratification, different people's beds, red bull, Foo Fighters
Shark: You love stepping on heads/toes, ladders, shoulder pads, monkey suits, the tin man, backs, stabbing, falafel, classic rock
Sea Urchin: You love family, living at home until you're married, lumpia,, the 40 year old virgin, lumpia, clock radios, Rush and/or Morrissey

Let's say you're trying to sell a condo using the YAAA method, here's the angle you'd use for each customer:

Whale: "Hey brosef, you'd totally love this condo, the wood is made with non-hydrogenated oils and the workers were allowed to roam free in fields on their lunch break"
Dolphin: "Dude, this condo seriously rocks, you can have so many parties here. There's even a room designated just for a keg (bathtub)."
Shark: "This condo will be a great investment for your future. The only problem is that more successful people are also trying to buy this house. Are you OK with that?"
Sea Urchin: "My friend, this condo is a perfect fit for you and your family. We have wheelchair access ramps and insulated walls so no one will be able to hear what you're doing in your room."

What kind of animal are you?

Thursday, November 6, 2008

The Low-c effect (in the spirit of crashing markets!)

For those who know me, you may be aware of something I like to call "The Low-c effect". ("Low-c" is how you pronounce my last name "Loase", I'm not being a tool). After 2.9 years of research (working at big corporations), I have come to the conclusion that there is a direct correlation between the stock price dropping and my employment.

Exhibit A:
I worked at Websense from December '05 to July '07 (do you also count months on your fingers?). Check out this bad boy:

Whaaammm! 36 percent loss! The LCE has just begun it's path of destruction. Still not sold on my method? It's gets even hairier:

Exhibit B:
I work(ed) at American Capital from August '07 to November '08 (today)

Whaaapppp! 62% loss! Oh you financial wizards with your "numbers" and "facts". Put those Quarterly Reports down Mr. Buffet, here's the real secret to playing the stock market:

#1 Find out where I'm working
#2 BET AGAINST IT! I think it's called short-selling or something but whatev, I don't work for NASA.
#3 Build a bed made out of cash (you probably won't make enough to buy a Sleep Number)

Low-c Effect = Proven.

Based on the LCE trend I have predicted the stock trend of my next employer:

Anyone hiring? No seriously, layoffs are coming.